Buddha once said, “Develop a mind so filled with love that it resembles space, which cannot be painted, cannot be marred, cannot be ruined.” When we relax the divisions that we usually make, the mind becomes like space. This is not something that a fortunate few have the capacity to experience; it is the nature of the mind, which every one of us has the ability to know. In talking about practice, Tsoknyi Rinpoche, a Tibetan teacher, said we practice in order to learn to trust ourselves more, to get confidence in what we know, to have faith rather than doubt. Loving kindness and compassion are innate capacities that we all have. This capacity to care, to be at one with, to connect, is something that isn’t destroyed, no matter what we may go through. No matter what our life experience may have been, no matter how many scars we bear, that ability remains intact. And so we practice meditation in order to return to that spaciousness and to learn to trust our ability to love.
As the Buddha said, “All beings everywhere want to be happy.” It is only due to ignorance that we do the things that create suffering or sorrow for ourselves and for others. If we take the time to slow down and see all the different forces coming together in any action, we will see this desire for happiness even in the midst of some terrible harmful action. That is why we use our mindfulness practice to notice our feelings and to understand them. Through that we can see very clearly that if we are immersed in tremendous anger, it is great suffering, it is a state of burning, of contraction and isolation, of separation and fear. We don’t have to reject the anger or reject or condemn ourselves for it, but rather we can feel compassion for the pain of it. This quality of empathy is also the basis of modern psychological thought on the development of morality. We learn not to hurt others because we understand how it feels to be hurt.
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One of the social psychology is the desire to fit in, one of the most powerful, least understood forces in society. Author Todd Rose dwell into examples psychological distortions from toilet paper shortages to kidneys that get thrown away rather than used for transplants; from racial segregation to the perceived “electability” of women in politics; from bottled water to “cancel culture,” , we routinely copy others, lie about what we believe, cling to tribes, and silence people, author bring to light some new perspective about the root cause of collective wounds in Collective Illusions: Conformity, Complicity, and the Science of Why We Make Bad Decisions Hardcover – February 1, 2022 . Draw on cutting-edge neuroscience and social psychology research, this acclaimed author demonstrates how so much of our thinking is informed by false assumptions—making us dangerously mistrustful as a society and needlessly unhappy as individuals.
Path of Parenting, Path of Education, Path of Awakening
Our country’s postindustrial culture has left us to raise our children apart from a community of neighbors and elders. There aren’t many grandparents around – they all live someplace else or they’re off, like most fathers and many mothers, at the office or the factory. There aren’t many uncles or aunts around to take care of the kids when parents become overwhelmed, or to initiate the teenagers (so that they don’t have to seek initiation on the streets), to help them discover what it is to be a man or a woman and a productive member of the community. there isn’t a community of elders from whom we can hear stories and learn practices that will keep us connected with our human heritage, with our instincts and our hearts.
Instead of village elders, American parents have turned to various “experts” and whatever fad or theory they have come up with. In the 1920s an influential school of child psychology actually taught parents that it was bad to touch their children. Several decades later, parents all across America read books that insisted we bottle-feed (not breast-feed) an infant every four hours and that we should not pick up a crying baby but just let it “cry itself out.”
Every wise culture in the world knows that when babies cry, they cry for a reason, and that you pick them up and feed them, or hold them and comfort them. You have to really fight against yourself not to pick up a sobbing infant. Among the less technologically developed cultures of Asia or Africa or Latin America, children are always being held, always in someone’s lap. Children are valued, are included in all family activities – in work, in ceremonies, in celebrations, there is always a place for them.
When children are valued in this way, the whole society benefits. In this spirit, there is a tribe in Africa that counts the birthday of a child from the day the child is a thought in its mother’s mind…. What a beautiful way for human beings to listen to and to comfort other human beings. This is the spirit of conscious parenting, to listen to the song of the child in front of you and to sing that child’s song to him or her. When a child is crying, we need to ask why this child is singing the crying song, what pain or frustration this child is feeling.
Yet the western culture seems to be telling people ignore their instincts, to distrust our intuition. The result is that many children growing up in our society are not bonded to an adult. One of the more painful statements about what we are collectively doing to our children came one year form a teacher named John Gatto who was voted New York City Teacher of the year. At the awards ceremony 1990 January 31, in front of the mayor and the school board and thousands of parents, he castigated his listeners for the “soul murder” of a million black and Latino children- Why School Don’t Education. He challenged the audience to consider the effects of American culture on our children: “Think of the things that are killing us as a nation: drugs and alcohol, brainless competition, recreational sex, the pornography of violence, gambling – and the worst pornography of all: lives devoted to buying things, accumulation as a philosophy, all addictions of dependent personalities, and that is what our brand of schooling will inevitably produce in the next generation.”
John Taylor Gatto (1935-2018): Remembering America’s Most Courageous Teacher. In a collection of essays and articles A Different Kind of Teacher: Solving the Crisis of American Schooling Paperback – January 1, 2002 John Gatto exposes a system designed to promote economic and business interests and advocates a greater emphasis on teaching critical thinking skills. Gatto leaves behind a legacy that inspired thousands of people to challenge the premise on which our education system was built. Gatto’s writing, teaching, and approach to not just education but human flourishing in general inspired us to think critically about our own life and education. He’s one of the most important thinkers in American history—that’s becoming more obvious every day. He’ll be missed dearly.
- Dumbing Us Down – 25th Anniversary Edition: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling Paperback – May 19, 2017
- Weapons of Mass Instruction: A Schoolteacher’s Journey Through the Dark World of Compulsory Schooling Paperback – April 1, 2010
- The Underground History of American Education, Volume I: An Intimate Investigation Into the Prison of Modern Schooling Paperback – May 22, 2017
Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong Paperback – July 17, 2018 Since its first publication in 1995, Lies My Teacher Told Me has become one of the most important―and successful―history books of our time. Having sold nearly two million copies, the book also won an American Book Award and the Oliver Cromwell Cox Award for Distinguished Anti-Racist Scholarship and was heralded on the front page of the New York Times. Every teacher, every student of history, every citizen should read this book. It is both a refreshing antidote to what has passed for history in our educational system and a one-volume education in itself.
The author of Teaching with the HEART in Mind: A Complete Educator’s Guide to Social Emotional Learning , Dr. Lorea Martínez Pérez is the award-winning Founder of HEART in Mind Consulting, a company dedicated to helping schools and organizations integrate social emotional learning in their practices, products, and learning communities. An educator who has worked with children and adults internationally, Dr. Martínez is a faculty member at Columbia University Teachers College, educating aspiring principals in Emotional Intelligence. Previously, she was a special education teacher and administrator. Learn more at loreamartinez.com Dr. Perez argues that creating better outcomes for your students sometimes means you have to challenge the odds. Academics and standardized assessments aren’t the solution. You need to educate both their hearts and minds. Strengthen your students’ resilience, spark their curiosity for learning, and encourage future success in college, career, and life. Be the best teacher you can be and infuse social-emotional skills into your teaching of any subject.
The average American child watches eighteen thousand murders and violent acts and half a million advertisements. Violence and materialism. We are feeding the next generation of children the very suffering we’re trying to undo in our spiritual practice. with the highest rate of infant mortality of any industrialized nation and millions of “latch key kids,” we have given up caring for our children. An increasing number are raised by day care and TV and smart phones. We end up with a new generation of Americans more connected to TV or video games (often violent ones) than to other people. We will have more Gulf-style wars and violent crimes than successful marriages. Because these children were not held enough when they were young, were not valued enough and respect enough, were not listened to or sung to, they grow up with a hole inside, with no real sense of what it means to love, with no rel capacity for intimacy.
When the Dalai Lama spoke with a group of Western psychologists, he couldn’t understand why there was so much talk about self-hatred and unworthiness. he didn’t understand, because in Tibetan culture children are loved and held. he was so astonished that he went around the room and asked everyone, “Do you feel unworthiness and self-hatred sometimes?’ “Yes.” “Do you feel it?” “Yes.” Everyone in the room nodded yes. He couldn’t believe that this was a culture where people primarily talk about their difficulty with their parents instead of honoring them. Contrast this with the healthy childhoods of the Buddha’s time. The Buddha himself was raised by his mother’s sister (after his mother died) and given all the nurturance, natural respect, care, and attention that every child needs. later, when he left home to practice as a yogi, he had the inner strength and integrity to undertake six years of intensely ascetic practice. The Buddha had this vision of well-being from his childhood to draw upon in his practice.
Parenting is a labor of love. it is a path of service and surrender, and link the practice of a Buddha or a bodhisattva, it demands patience and understanding and tremendous sacrifice. it is also a way to reconnect with the mystery of life and to reconnect with ourselves. Along withe practice of mindfulness there are four other principles of conscious parenting; attentive listening, respect, integrity, and lovingkindness.
The principle of attentive listening means listening to the Tao of the seasons, to our human intuition and our instincts, to our children. do we hear what our children are trying to tell us? it’s like listening to the Tao. How long should we nurse our babies? how late should we allow our teenagers to stay out on dates? To answer those questions, we have to listen and pay attention to the rhythms of life. Just as we learn to be aware of breathing in and breathing out, we can learn to sense how deeply children want to grow.
A measure of respect comes in the setting of boundaries and limits appropriate to our child. As parents, we can set limits in a respectful way, with a compassionate “no” and an explanation of why something is out of bounds. Children learn by example, by who we are and what we do. They watch us what we communicate y the way we drive, the way we talk about others, and how we treat people on the street.v We teach them by our being.
Just as we learn in meditation to let go and trust, we can learn to develop a trust in our children so they can trust themselves. And we shall respect our children’s need for both dependency and independence. Most often instead of listening to them, we impatiently hurry them along. Dependency, insecurity and weakness are natural states for a child. They’re the natural states of all of us at times, but for children, especially young ones, they are predominant conditions and they are outgrown. In an article on dependency in Mothering magazine, Peggy O’Mara wrote:
We have a cultural bias against dependency, against any emotion of behavior that indicates weakness. This is nowhere more tragically evident than in the way we push our children beyond their limits an d timetables. We establish outside standards as more important than inner experience when we wean our children rather than trusting that they will wean themselves, when we insist that our children sit at the table and finish their meals rather than trusting that they will eat well if healthful food is provided on a regular basis, and when we toilet-train them at an early age rather than trusting that they will learn to use the toilet when they are ready to do so.
In the similar vein, Dorothy Law Nolte has written a poem, “Children learn What They Live”:
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice. If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith. If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. If a child lives with acceptance and friendship. He learns to find love in the world.
Service – Expressing Our Practice
Many people tend to think practicing spirituality is about going to a house of worship, a meditation hall, or a quiet spot in nature, and engaging in prayer, meditation, solitude and self-reflection. These spiritual pursuits seem to foster a simpler, more peaceful life in which we might experience greater intimacy and self-worth. But with the many responsibilities of life in the world, we often have precious little time to devote to such practice. When time does permit them, our spiritual yearning is momentarily satisfied and we feel aligned with the needs of our hearts; but generally our spiritual practice remains secondary to our more pressing daily activities.
Is it possible that we are defining our spiritual practice in too narrow a way? Perhaps we have become too attached to a particular form of spirituality – to a specific practice or set of circumstances. If we return to the intention behind our practices rather than adhering strictly to a form that supports the intention, we may discover a new approach to spirituality, one that truly feeds our hearts. Service work is a form that seems to be common to all the sacred traditions of the world. It cuts through all artificial divisions between “spirituality” and “life”.
Elisabeth Kubeler-Ross once said that she never meditated and never wanted to – she found it too dry. but when working with the dying, being intimately present with that person, listening fully and learning constantly, she was as focused as any mediator sitting on the floor and attending to the breath. She was in fact meditating, but her meditation arose naturally from her concern for the dying, not through formal sitting practice. For her, meditation was an expression of her service to the dying.
Spiritual teach Rodney Smith spent eight years in Buddhist monastic settings, both at the Insight Meditation Society (IMS) in Massachusetts and several years as a Buddhist monk in Asia. He ordained with Mahasi Sayadaw in Burma then practiced for three years with Ajahn Buddhadassa in Thailand. He disrobed as a monk in 1983 and, after returning to the West, started working in hospice care and teaching vipassana meditation throughout the U.S. Smith’s many years as a monk in Asia, hospice worker, partnered householder and longtime vipassana teacher inform what he considers pivotal: that without Wise View, our pursuit of awakening will go nowhere. He openhandedly shares his own struggle in Stepping Out of Self-Deception: The Buddha’s Liberating Teaching of No-Self.
After spending several years on retreat, including a few years in Asia as a forest monk, Rodney Smith began feeling that his practice was becoming dry. Then he discovered that service has a way of transforming our daily life into a spiritual practice. And that discovery has led to serving others as a practice of the heart. Often the shift from helping to serving is only an attitude deep. Service can actually be an expression of prayer, an ongoing engaged meditation. If service work is defined as breaking through the artificial barriers that seem to isolate us form the rest of life, then washing the dishes, dressing, cooking, eating, and showering are not separate from our prayer or meditation. When our daily activities teach us about our relationship to all things, our life becomes an unceasing prayer of the heart.We become less dependent upon specific practices because we are more aware of the interrelationship between who we are and the activity we are involved in. We may participate in prayer or meditation, but we no longer find that these are the only ways to access a spiritual dimension. Your heart becomes as available through a variety of contacts and relationships as it does through sitting meditation. We start being fed from life itself.
Rodney Smith further talked about service in light of waking up and becoming alive. Aliveness is our birthright. To come alive, we must align ourselves with our heart’s desire. We just have to rediscover how to do that. This observation solves the problem of how to practice and fully participate in our lives at the same time. It says that service is not a burden; rather, it defines service as that which feeds our aliveness. The word aliveness implies wakefulness, awareness, and a connected passion for life. We may notice that the essence of aliveness is a pure quality distinct from the actions that spring from it, such as following our desire or avoiding our fears. No matter where we start with our understanding of aliveness, however, through investigation we penetrate to new and deeper meanings of this word. We need to keep redefining the idea, allowing it to evolve beyond what we think it means. in this way, it will always be fresh and new, as our aliveness itself.
When we help someone, subliminally we pass on a message of inequality. In doing so, we diminish that person as a human being. We hold those we help in a fixed perspective and often refuse to allow them to grow. This is because if they grew out of their role, we would lose the contact we need to help. So the difference between serving and “helping” is the difference between being alive and being depleted. Helping is based on sacrifice, not strength. It is giving something to someone for a particular reason. Its intention is self-enhancement at the expense of someone whom we regard as underprivileged. The helper is rewarded by knowing that he or she is better off than the person being helped. We become as dependent upon them as they are on us. Our minds can force another into an unequal relationship, but not our hearts. Genuine warmth cannot exist unless there is equality. Within this profound connection, there is mutual appreciation. Our hearts naturally open in service work. A long time meditation teacher, Rodney Smith teaches program on “uprooting our false identity within our encased narrative and aligned ego structures.” His approach is built on the The Buddha’s Four Foundations of Mindfulness:
- First Foundation: Contemplation of the Body. …
- Second Foundation: Contemplation of Feeling. …
- Third Foundation: Contemplation of Mind. …
- Fourth Foundation: Contemplation of Dhammas.
Sometimes at crucial moments in our lives we are presented with new paths, opportunities to grow in ways we never expected. If we have courage to take these new directions, we expand, becoming more than we ever dreamed we might become, discovering ways to live and to die with dignity, with grace. That is the story of Rodney Smith’s life journey. In an interview, Rodney spoke of how Buddhist working with the dying.
Urgency, Contentment, and the Edges of Love
Drawing from many spiritual paths including the Muslim-Sufi and Christian mystical traditions as well as Buddhism, Veteran Meditation teacher Gavein Harrison about transformation through suffering. In a detail personal account of his uphill battle with HIV virus and searching for truth: “What truly is the meaning of death?” “Is there an end to suffering?” He described his commitment to facing and standing up for truth—even when confronting abuse, AIDs and death, in Beyond the Grip of Fear.